Rethinking the all-or-nothing approach

I am very much an all or nothing personality. I'm either going to do it and do it well or I'm not going to do it at all. This kind of approach is a killer though. Regardless of what you apply it to, it's setting up a near impossible standard for myself and allowing for defeat when perfection is not attained. Beyond the impracticality of it, this all or nothing approach worked better when I didn't have 3 kids and a full-time job as a teacher and a part-time job as a fitness coach.

10 years ago, I had less on my plate which made it feel more possible to do things well or at least it allowed me to feel like I had more control over my world. With that said, even before kids, life got in the way, work got busy, and I found it hard to keep up with my own impossibly high standards.

What's problematic with the all-or-nothing mentality? 

It's so easy to fail. I mean who can really always give 100%? We just can't. Not always. So instead we fall off the wagon one day and it quickly becomes a "why get back on?" scenario.

Beyond that, since it's so easy to fail, it opens up the door to all of this negative self-talk.

"Look, you failed again."

"You've never been able to maintain it before so why bother trying again?"

"You can't do this."

As I'm sure you can agree, there's nothing good about that kind of talk for anyone. We need to be cheering ourselves on, not beating ourselves up but it's so easy to be a critic and so hard to be a cheerleader. I also find it's much easier for me to cheer others on and talk others up than it is for me to do the same for myself. We're our own worst enemies.

So here's where I'm at now.

It's taken years for me to finally accept that I can't keep that up. To understand and really internalize that the all-or-nothing standard is setting myself up for feeling like a failure. Instead of forward movement and gradual progress, it's a recipe for staying stuck and feeling defeated.

I by no means am saying that I'm perfect and have it all figured out. All I'm saying is that I'm working every day to accept those imperfections, to accept that life sometimes gets in my way and that it's not the end of the world. It's
more realistic, more feasible and more sustainable emotionally and physically for me to be willing to let myself off the hook sometimes.

Some days my workouts are awesome. Some days I get up on time, have great energy and get my workout in uninterrupted before the kids get up.

Exhibit A:

Other days I wake up feeling like death, like I don't want to workout, like I want to just pull the covers up on the world. Other times I don't get my butt out of bed on time and find myself working out with 3 kids and a dog underfoot.

Exhibit B:












Or I drag myself through the day only to come home and really just not feel like cooking or eating healthy and this happens:

Exhibit C:


















On days like this, I do still drag myself out of bed. I workout with the kids and accept that I'm going to have to push pause a bunch of times to move the dog out of the way or to show P. the proper form when lifting my 5 lb. weights or to push the Legos out of the way so my clumsy self doesn't trip. 

On days like this, I pep talk myself and tell myself that it's going to be a tired or crazy day no matter what so why also feel bad about skipping my workout? On days like this, I sometimes surprise myself and have a great workout. Yet other days I slog through it. 

The key? I do it. I accept imperfection. I accept less than 100% of myself. 5 years ago I would have skipped the workout. I would have pulled those covers up and said "tomorrow." On the days when I want to eat the whole house and find myself doing so? I don't beat myself up about it. Instead, I acknowledge the slip and get myself back on the wagon as quickly as I can.

Again, I'm by no means perfect and I still have those days when my workout just stinks or when the kids are a pain in the butt and when it takes me an hour to do a 30 minute workout because of the breaks. I definitely still fall off the wagon with my food but hey, that's life right?


Better to acknowledge the imperfection and move past it than to let it derail me completely. Better to accept that at this point in my life, whatever I can do is better than nothing. Better to let myself off the hook for the things I can't control than to get in my head and beat myself up. 

So what do I suggest to help let yourself off the hook?

• Own it. You can't fix a problem that you're not willing to acknowledge exists. Be mindful of your own internal monologue. They always day that acceptance is the first step, right? Start to admit that you're stuck and remind yourself that it's not working.

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• Remember, the path to success is rarely the straight line we all want it to be.

• Work on retraining your brain and start practicing positive self-talk. Tell yourself that you don't have to be perfect every day. Remind yourself as often as you can that you have to let yourself off the hook for the things you can't control and do what you can when you can. 

• Get support. Confide in a friend or loved ones. You aren't alone. There's that perfectionist tendency in many of us. Heck, this post was motivated in part by a conversation with a friend the other day who's currently stuck where I was just a few years ago. It's hard and you're not alone. If you're not ready to get in your own corner, enlist others who will! 

• Lastly, don't beat yourself with thoughts of failure. Don't set goals that are far beyond your capacity to achieve. Simply do what you can do in the best way you know how. That's all you can ask of yourself.