Struggling

So I have to be honest. I'm struggling. Maybe you haven't even noticed that my morning workout selfies have been few and far between these past two weeks. Maybe you did notice and have been saying "thank goodness! Less early morning guilt and sweat!" Well whether you noticed or not, there's a reason behind it.

I love working out hard (yes, crazy as that is, it's true.) I look forward to my early morning workouts each day. I tolerate my rest day because I know my body needs it. I push myself hard when I workout and know that while I eat cleanly 80% of the time, my workouts make up for the times I'm not always spot on with my eating. 

What you may not know about me is that I also have Lupus, which is an auto-immune disorder. In the grand scheme of things, I count myself super lucky to be healthy most of the time. I can handle the arthritis and Raynauds that come with my Lupus but this latest flare up is leaving me tired, achy, unable to workout or do much other than sleep and do life. Working out is kind of off the table. Unfortunately what that's done is left me anchorless. I hate being too sick or tired to function in the way I want to do.

I typically start my day with a sweat session - it sets the tone for the day both in my mood and my health. I know that I make better food choices when I workout. I am also more productive when I have those great endorphins that come from a good workout. This was something I learned early on in high school - I was always that kid who did better when in-season than in the off-season. I crave the structure and discipline that come with playing sports. It helped me sleep better at night, plan my day better around my practice and school work, and just kept me grounded. When I don't workout regularly, I miss out on those good things and I find myself floundering. That's where I'm at now. Swollen legs, tired body and stir crazy in the head because I my body won't cooperate with me.

While my body is not cooperating like this and I'm off with my workouts, my struggle extends to food. It seems like a lot of the people I talk to are good at working out hard or eating healthy, not both. That's my reality. I'm good with the workouts, I welcome the workouts and when I workout, I give it my all. Where I have to work harder is the food. I LOVE my food and even though I'm not eating unhealthy much of the time, I'm pretty much always eating. There IS such a thing as too much of a good thing and I'm definitely someone who needs to keep my portions in check and eye on the sweets. No, I haven't yet succumbed to stress baking (my weakness) but only because I'm too tired and busy to bake, not because I wouldn't if I could find the time. When I'm not working out regularly I struggle more with portions and staying on track and this is exactly what you don't want to do - stop working out and then eat more and less well - and it's exactly what I've been doing the past few days. Yesterday it was ice cream cake for a co-worker's birthday lunch. Today it was an impromptu pizza lunch. All fine in moderation but with no workouts on the horizon and too much snacking, it's not great and even more than just being too much, it's leaving me feeling gross and annoyed at myself for my lack of discipline. 


In the grand scheme of things I know that a few days off from working out is what my body needs. I know that a few days of eating healthy most of the time and slipping here and there won't set me back a lot but for me it's more that I don't like feeling weak in body or mind and I'm feeling vulnerable in both.

Yes, I'm replacing my sweat sessions with a little yoga and a little piyo where I can. I'm sleeping more since the more I listen to my body and take care of it, the sooner I can get back to "normal." I'm still planning my meals and trying to eat as healthy as I can most of the time and that's a good thing.

What's also keeping me tethered at least a little bit is my challengers who are still busting their butts every day. These women are pushing themselves to try new things, figuring out how to fit in a workout to their busy lives and supporting one another through the struggles that come with getting and staying healthy. I may not be doing the group with them in the same sense of the word but I'm motivated by them every day.

So for now, know that I'm with you in spirit. I'll be right back at it as soon as my body gets on board. In the meantime, I'm over here in my sweats sleeping this flare up off and counting the days until I'm back in the game.