Finding myself

I don't know where to begin other than to say that over the past few years, I somehow got a little bit lost. I am a wife, a mother, a teacher, a daughter and a friend. That is a lot to be and at the same time, I have quite often felt lost.

Don't get me wrong, I know who I am and am comfortable with where I am in my life. I adore my husband and kids - they are loving, amazing little people and endlessly entertaining. I love my job and find it tremendously fulfilling. Who wouldn't want to hang out with really cool high schoolers all day long? It's never boring. We have a good life, a wonderful home, a great job and really everything you could want in life. I am not complaining. It is enough, more than enough.

But yet somehow in all of that goodness, I got lost. When you try to be someone to so many people all at the same time it becomes second nature to put others first and to think about yourself and your needs second. That becomes even more pronounced when you have kids because that's what you're supposed to do. While I think it makes me a good mother to want to take care of my kids' needs, what I also realize is that it's important that I also make my own a priority as well and I wasn't doing that until recently.

I think I first realized that when I went back to work after having Parker. I'd just come off of a 2-year leave of absence where I had spent most of my time with mom friends who were also in the same stage in life - endlessly tired, wearing kid-vomit, used to spending most of the day with non-verbal little people and having their tv-watching lives monopolized by animated characters. We had a lot in common and had all grown accustomed to conversations which were punctuated by interruptions and which often centered around our current state of existence. These women were what kept me going and made life as a stay-at-home-mother work for me for those 2 years.

When I went back to work, however, I was thrown back into a world populated by people who were on one side older than me and either done with that parenting stage or never interested in experiencing it and on the other side by teens who cared and understood little about it. What I realized pretty quickly was that all I had to talk about was my kids. My interests were secondary. I no longer had the time to coach, read, or see movies in the theater. I knew this and had come to accept it after having my first child but returning to a baby-free world was a harsh reminder of this.

Compounding the problem was the feeling that outside of work, I was stuck between worlds; I was on a different life schedule than my friends who didn't yet have kids and at the same time, I found myself drifting away from those who were still home with theirs since we now had radically different schedules and the daytime playdate catch-ups were a thing of the past. It was a rough adjustment and one that for a while I was tried to ignore. It wasn't too hard to do. Going back to work full-time with 3 kids under the age of 3 at home, one of whom was only 8 weeks when I started, was enough to make anyone crazy. I didn't have the time to breathe let alone think about how I was feeling other than bone tired and more than a little bit crazed.

When I finally started to come up for air, I started to notice that I was missing something.

It took me a while to figure out what exactly was missing - a long time. I floundered for a bit. I told myself it was just work and life stress. I accepted that part of it was my loneliness. Motherhood can be lonely and isolating at times. Screw motherhood, ADULTHOOD can be lonely at times. It's hard to make and keep friends as an adult. I genuinely missed the close relationships I'd formed and then lost (or which had changed upon my return to work) with my mom-friends. I didn't know how to find new people to connect with and really didn't have a lot (or any) time to invest in new relationships anyway.

I also knew that a piece of the puzzle was that I wasn't happy with my body after kids. After years working out with a team and being part of something bigger than myself, I missed that environment and the connections and support that came with it. I missed the feeling of being strong and feeling strong that I got when I worked out consistently. I've never been a skinny girl but when I exercise, I feel good in my own skin. After having kids, I couldn't seem to find the time or energy to consistently work out. I couldn't figure out how or where I could workout with 3 kids on crazy schedules and once I was back to work it was even harder to make happen. Beyond the logistics that were stopping me from getting back in shape, I so missed my skinny jeans! Let me tell you, if you think you have body image issues, try working in a high school all day! When my mom told me in 8th grade to enjoy my body because it wasn't going to get better than it was then, I thought she was crazy. I still think that was a little crazy but I get where she was coming from. Skinny teens wearing tight-fitting clothing are not exactly the best ego-booster post-baby.

Body image issues aside, I knew I wanted more from life and for myself but I just wasn't sure what or how or even how to admit how I was feeling to anyone. I didn't want to sound like an ungrateful ass saying that my life, which for all intensive purposes is great, wasn't enough. My life IS enough but I needed more from it for me. Intellectually I was content with my life but emotionally I was missing something.

So what finally changed for me? 

A big part of the equation was timing. My kids have gotten older and more self-sufficient which in some ways makes everything a little bit easier. Parenting is less physically draining for sure but more emotionally draining since now I worry about them more and in different ways.

In this newfound time created by kids who can feed, cloth and entertain themselves (most of the time), I've been able to carve out more time for myself. I used to make my summers the time when I committed to taking care of myself - to get more sleep, read more, eat healthier, cook, and make exercise a priority - and then as the year ground on, all of those enjoyable summer habits would slip away. What finally changed was my willingness to let that happen. After years of following that pattern, I decided I didn't want to let it happen again. Every time I feel into that pattern again, not only was I sacrificing the things that I enjoy, the things that leave me feeling full, but I was also contributing to the problem since every time I failed to keep those summer habits up in the school year, they became part of the negative internal loop I let run in my head.

Another big part of what changed for me was getting help and encouragement from the people around me to do more to take care of myself emotionally. Both my parents and Andrew realized how lonely I was and made it a point to encourage me to go out with colleagues after work or to meet up with a friend for dinner more often. I also began talking to one or two close friends about how I was feeling and realized I wasn't alone - this is something they were also feeling.

The last BIG piece of the puzzle for me was finally making the decision to NOT let my summer habits fall to the wayside. Through pure luck, I stumbled on the blog of my now coach, Melanie, whose own story sounded so much like my own that I immediately connected with her and decided to try something new. Joining an accountability group has made such a life-altering impact on my life in so many ways. On a practical level, she taught me a lot about clean eating and the group helped me push past the time of the year that usually broke me. For the first time ever, I didn't give up on my workouts and I finally managed to make clean eating a lifestyle not a diet. All of these are HUGE accomplishments for me and not to be minimized in any way.

The bigger thing for me though was that in these groups, I finally found that sense of belonging, of community, fraternity, that I'd been missing since rowing in college, since joining a mom's group. We were all in the same boat, looking for support, wanting more from ourselves and to make more of our lives. That feeling was motivating, inspiring and empowering.

I not only emerged healthier but happier too. So much so that I took the leap of faith and became a coach myself so that I could help other people make the same transformation.

I know I'm not alone in stumbling my way through life trying to hold on to a little piece of myself that is mine and mine alone. I want to be a healthier, happier, stronger person for myself and for my family. Today I stand (actually sit) before you all as that person and I have the privilege every day to help other people find and work to become that for themselves and their families again too. It really doesn't get much better than that.

I won't lie. I still get lonely and wish that it were easier to make new friends and to make time for the friends that I already have. I continue to work at both. While I workout in large part for my own mental sanity, I am still driven by a desire to build muscle and lose the stubborn post-baby stomach. What's different is I now have something that's my own and that something makes me feel strong and fulfilled and leaves me a happier and healthier person for my family and friends.

It's been a long haul. It took me some time, tears, and quite a bit of getting lost along the way to get here. But I'm here now and I'm pretty darned happy with where I'm at. Thanks for reading.