My transformation story... kinda

It's funny. 

Every Tuesday, I post a transformation story to illustrate the power that we have with support to change our lives and health. 

So this week when it came time to think about a transformation story to share, I decided to take a slightly different approach. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about my own transformation. 

My transformation has not been as visually profound as some of the others I've shared. I don't have a lot of before pictures to draw from because there aren't many of them. Why? I used to hide behind the camera or when I had to be in the picture, I hid behind my children or made sure that as the tallest, I was in the back. If you are new to being my FB friend you might not know that of me since I'm always posting selfies or clips from my workouts now. THIS is a more recent phenomenon for me. The me of 2 years ago would have died at the thought of doing that both because I didn't feel good in my own skin and because the idea of that was SOOO totally outside of my comfort zone.

My transformation has been two-fold. 

One, I've undeniably gotten more fit. I've learned after years of dieting that it's easier, more sustainable, and better for me to alter my lifestyle rather than jump on and fall off of the wagon based on the seasons, my mood or my level of motivation. While I've not lost any weight on the scale, I'm healthier, stronger and more lean than I once was which I attribute to this lifestyle shift.

Two, and this is the bigger transformation for me, I'm continually amazed at how I've grown simply by making it a habit every day to challenge myself to push past my comfort zone.

What's striking to me is that even knowing that, I'm continually surprised by where the lines of my comfort lie. I know and can anticipate some of the boundaries but at times, I'm still shocked to find new ones. You think at 38 I'd have a pretty good sense of myself and my limits but I'm continually surprised when I go to do something and that feeling of fear creeps up into my throat or I get a pit in my stomach.  

I've always had a fear of public speaking. My parents started threatening in middle school to sign me up for a Dale Carnegie public speaking seminar. I somehow managed to evade that and public speaking classes in high school and college. Not sure quite how I managed that since for years, my parents told me that the best way to conquer a fear is to confront it head on and keep confronting it daily. I was 100% not sold. Why should I torture myself at something that was sure to not get any better in doing it? Well, fast forward to the summer before I started teaching. I was TERRIFIED. I'd made it through a semester of student teaching with minimal scars but I seriously reconsidered my chosen profession because of my paralyzing fear of public speaking. After 10+ years of wanting to be a teacher and a Masters degree in teaching, I almost bailed out of fear.

What got me over it? 

Well first off, I'm not over it. I face it every day. Thankfully, I no longer have anxiety every time I enter my classroom (that fear pops up for the first few weeks back to school and then fades) but it surfaces in every new situation, and it manifests in so many different ways on a daily basis. 

• Standing in front of a class of students who I don't know? Yup. 
• Introducing myself to parents at Back to School Night? Totally terrifying.
• Having to walk to the front of the auditorium for 2 minutes and hand out an award to a student at an assembly? Yup.
• Being given a rose at a Senior Dress-up Day performance on Halloween? Yup. Just ask people who were there how many shades of red I turned in that moment. 
• Dancing at a wedding, prom, party or anywhere out in public where other people can see me? Yup. (Yet I can actually dance reasonably well if I do say so myself. Just ask my kids or Molly, our dog. They're victim to my kitchen dance parties more often than they probably would like.)
• Making small talk at a party with people I don't know well? Yup. Painful.
• Emailing or talking to someone to invite them to hear a little more about what it is that I do with my challenge groups or as a coach? Yup. (Even though I believe fully in what I do.)
• Blogging or posting about my workouts on social media? Less and less so every day.

If you'd asked me a few years back if I'd ever have a blog I would have said no way. Just as I don't have a Twitter account because I don't think I have enough to say that's worthwhile and interesting to others, I would have said the same of a blog. What could I contribute that wouldn't seem self-important? What I've discovered though is that I enjoy writing - it helps me work through my own thoughts and feelings and the act of doing that helps me keep moving forward. Beyond the blogging, I've learned that I genuinely enjoy working out, eating and cooking healthy, and sharing my journey with others. Yes it challenges me daily but it's a fight worth fighting and a challenge worth facing. I'm doing these things for myself but I am public about it because uncomfortable as it may make me at times, it keeps me accountable to myself and my goals and my hope is that along the way it might help or inspire others to take that step for themselves.

My latest discovery? This fear of public speaking is apparently not limited to oral delivery. I was asked to write a reflection to print in the school newspaper which is handed out to parents, staff and students at graduation. Apparently in my twisted, neurotic mind that constitutes a form of public speaking because it freaked me out. Don't get me wrong - I still did it. Why? I could have said no, but where would that get me? 

There's that saying that nothing good ever comes from comfort zones and I understand that saying completely. Yes, I HATE public speaking but even more than that, I hate being scared of doing something that is so fundamental to my job. Why then am I choosing every day to confront that fear wherever I can? Because in confronting it I've gotten so much reward. 

I LOVE my job. I love my students and pretty much everything about the job. If I didn't choose to confront my fear and do the thing that I find terrifying, I wouldn't get the reward that is the joy that the job affords me daily. 

The same is true of my coaching. I have had to get over my fear of posting on social media, sharing my journey, being honest with people and public about my struggles in order to be the coach I want to be.  I have to remind myself every day to confront this fear and self-doubt and I do every time.

I also get immense personal fulfillment and pride in myself for facing my fears and not letting them define or control me.