The trials of being a girl

So a few weeks ago, Little A. said to me out of the blue, "Mom, I wish I was skinnier."

Her comment totally caught me off guard. This is my 7 1/2 year old saying this. My healthy, athletic, tom-boyish, fit, seemingly confident little girl saying this. She is by no means not "skinny," whatever the heck that's supposed to mean.

So I asked her what she meant by skinnier. She said, while rubbing her belly, "You know. I wish I had a skinnier tummy. Like K. has." K. is a friend and neighbor. A little girl who, like my own daughter, marches to the beat of her own drummer. Coincidentally, they share a birthday - 2 years apart - and somehow these birthday friends also share a lot of similarities in personality and interest. Both girls are tall for their age. Both are sporty. Both gravitate towards more stereotypically "boy" activities and friends. Both have on numerous occasions told me that they wish they were boys - a conversation for another day, but I definitely I lost that battle. They were NOT sold by my explanation of why it's good to be a girl. But I digress.

Back to our car-ride conversation. Little A.'s comment comparing herself to her friend made me wonder what it is that A. and K. are doing when they're up in her room hanging out. I know from the pile of clothes I find on her closet floor after K.'s left that they often try on clothes. I began to wonder, is A. starting to notice what other girls look like while they're changing? Is this something that has just started or has this been brewing for a while? Are she and K. discussing their bodies and comparing? 

Knowing my daughter, I realize that she's likely been observing, processing and reflecting on this for a while. One thing I love most about A. is that while she presents as a spunky, confident little woman, she has this amazingly pensive, inquisitive side of her that leads her to ask questions constantly (a trait that almost led my mother to leave her on the side of the highway during a particularly long drive from Boston to New York City.) Sometimes you can almost see the cogs in her head spinning, working through the things she's experiencing. "What do you mean by...?" "When you say x, what do you mean?"  Sometimes this questions come in the moment, other times she'll throw out a question about something from 3 days ago and you can tell she's been sitting on it, thinking about it, and waiting for the right time to ask about it. I love this about A. and although sometimes it feels like my ears are going to fall off when I'm with her, I don't ever want her to stop thinking and asking questions. 

On this day though, it was me asking the questions. "Why do you think you're not skinny?" In talking more about it, she acknowledged that she is skinny but just not the same as her friend. I told her, "I think you and K. both have perfect bodies. You're both strong and healthy and can do amazing things." Switching tracks a bit, asked her if she was aware of all of the amazing things that her body could do. She, not surprisingly, said "What do you mean?" 

"Are your legs strong and fast enough to play tag with H. and P.?" Yes. 

"Is your body strong enough to do pull-ups?" Yes. 

"Can you jump rope, win races at track night, play basketball and swim?" Yes.

"Do you know how your body got that way?" No. "By eating the foods that you do, running and playing, sleeping, thinking, dreaming and doing all that you do every day to make it strong and healthy. Your body is perfect just the way that it is." 

As we drove, I could see her in the rear-view mirror processing this, weighing whether or not to accept or challenge this information.  

As a 37-year old woman, I am constantly plagued by some of the same insecurities. I like to consider myself to be a strong, relatively well-adjusted, confident woman. I have 3 children who I love to the moon and back, a husband who is my best friend and biggest support, a crazy and totally lovable puppy, and my dream home. I also have friends and family who I love and who support me in all of the ways that I could ever need or want.

Yet despite all of this, I will admit that I still notice other women and compare myself to them. How did so-and-so manage to lose the baby weight so quickly? Why can't I lose this stubborn baby belly? I wish my legs were as toned as hers are. These comparisons go beyond physical attributes: How does she juggle kids, family, work and still manage to have a social life? You get the idea. I know I'm not alone in this. It's human nature to compare ourselves to others - to use others as a way to measure our own progress and successes - and it's also the society in which we live. We are inundated with media images and representations of what "beauty" and "perfection" are supposed to look like. It's virtually impossible not to absorb some of those messages. Even with the most healthy upbringing and sense of self, it's hard not to compare, criticize and doubt oneself. 

I know this about myself and our world yet it's heart breaking to me to realize that this reality sets in so young. I do not want to live in a world where my 7-year old is already comparing her body to others. Where she feels like her amazing, athletic body is anything but perfect. I am reminded of the Always "Like a Girl" campaign and the ways in which it challenges that "like a girl" stereotype that we as a society help to perpetuate. One of the saddest things about this video was the way that we as women help to perpetuate these stereotypes rather than working to counter them every day through our thoughts and actions. 

One of my primary motivations for exercising and making healthier choices around eating is to be a role model for my daughter. Yes, I want to be healthy and fit for myself but a large part of my journey is also to help create healthier habits and be a positive influence for my family. I do not want to be the mom who is ashamed of her body. I don't want to be the mom who covers herself up at the beach because she is self-conscious about her stomach. I don't want to be the mom who is constantly on a diet or who beats herself up for not being more, better, perfect. 

I say this as someone who didn't really accept my body until I was in my late 20s or early 30s. I do not have, nor will I ever have, that stick thin build that I so wanted in high school. I do not have flat abs. I will never have a thigh gap. It's just not me nor will it ever be and at 37, I'm finally ok with that. 

Rowing was a life-changing experience for me on a number of levels. Among other things, rowing helped me to appreciate that bodies came in all shapes and sizes, that strong was a good thing, that you don't need to be stick thin, that bigger legs can move a boat faster, and that muscles are beautiful and something to be worked for. In the world of rowing, my body was more than enough. It was strong and could move a boat. Rowing helped me to push aside the negative self-talk that we are all guilty of falling victim to at times. 

I am satisfied with the conversation that Little A. and I had on this one day in the car. I think it's probably the first of what may be many. I'm glad she spoke up since I am conscious daily of the way that I behave around her. I never say "Do I look fat in this?" or "I can't eat that since I'm on a diet." I do make choices around what I eat but the kids know that it's because I'm choosing to eat healthy so I can get stronger and have big muscles. They see me eating healthy and they also see me choosing when to splurge. They know that I'm always up for an ice cream date or evening of making s'mores after a day at the pool. Together the kids and I have been working all summer to be able to do more pull-ups on our new pull-up bar. And yes, the kids can do more than I can but for me what's important is that they see exercise as fun and something I/we do to be healthy and live long, fulfilling lives.

I want all of my children to grow up with a healthy self-image. I do not want my daughter (or any of my kids for that matter) thinking she's fat, dieting at an early age, or looking at herself in the mirror and thinking she's less-than. I encourage all 3 of my kids to play sports, tear around the neighborhood on their bikes, climb trees, swim, jump, play and live life to the fullest in part because they're kids and they should do this, but also because I know it will keep them healthy and fit both mentally and physically. I want my daughter to see that she can do this, that her body allows her to do this with ease. I want her to be proud of the body that she lives in.

It's taken me nearly 37 years to say that I'm pretty happy with the body I'm living in and my hope is to teach my daughter to love hers as much as I do.