Holding my feet to the fire

So this is one of those confession posts.

On one level I hate that I have to admit that yet again I've slipped, but I wouldn't be keeping it real if I didn't share this.

I think one of my problems for so long was just that - that I didn't allow for slip ups. My own expectations of myself were so high and unforgiving that the smallest slip registered like a devastating failure in my book.

Every time I got on a good kick and started eating better and working out, I'd get all pumped up, those good endorphins would be pumping and then it would all come crashing down after a weekend of bad eating, too much on my plate at work or a bout of sickness that derailed my workouts for a week, or when I hopped on the scale and found that it hadn't budged or (gasp!) had moved the wrong way.

A huge piece of my own struggle with health and fitness used to be the internal conversation I let go on in my head during and after a slip. I would beat myself up for eating 3 slices of pizza. As I was eating it I was simultaneously rationalizing it and talking myself down for being weak. I would feel guilty and annoyed at my own complacence for sitting on the couch week after week polishing off a pint of Ben & Jerry's while watching "The Biggest Loser." Even worse was the fact that I did that while enviously wishing I was able to get my butt kicked into gear by Bob or Jillian on the ranch. Those feelings just made everything worse BECAUSE I felt paralyzed in inaction, in my own poor decisions and while I knew the negative talk was winning, I couldn't break out of the cycle. On the outside though I seemed fine. I downed that pizza like a champ and was someone who proudly admitted I watched weight loss shows while eating junk food. Externally I seemed content but keeping up the outside appearances also took a toll.

Take this latest slip.

Rewind a month+ to early June. I finished my second round of Insanity Max 30. I was feeling good and strong. Physically I was psyched because we were heading into summer and I could actually see ab muscles. We're not talking 6 pack here because that's just crazy talk but there was a baby 2 pack for sure and I was loving those babies. So in a nut shell, this was me feeling good about the work I had put in to get there.

Fast forward to today and you have a frustrated me. The scale, which I never like to use as a measure of success but we're going to use in some small part here for reporting, is up somewhere between 5-8 lbs. Yes, I've been weight lifting so I know part of those gains are muscles but they most definitely are not all muscle. My clothes fit tighter around the legs and those baby abs I was loving so much? Well, let's just say they're hibernating again. :(

How did we get from A to B?

I workout consistently - that's not my issue. I've actually learned to LOVE the workout piece (and if you don't know me that well, I promise, that was not always the case. I used to really dislike working out and only did it because I knew I liked to eat and if you like to eat, you kinda have to workout or risk looking like you like to eat too much!)

The answer is that my nutrition has been off. I haven't been tracking my food consistently. I've indulged more than I should for my goals. I try to follow the 80/20 rule as best as I can but I think psychologically when you're near your goal weight/body, it's a little too easy to become complacent and not realize you're slipping more than you probably should. I also know that while I've completely overhauled my eating from say where I was 5 years ago, sometimes knowing that, I let myself eat too much food because I'm eating healthy. Portions matter!

So that's my reality today.

Part of my journey over the past 2 years has been a shift in my way of thinking about my body and my health.

A huge piece of this journey has been about learning to accept my own imperfections and to love myself just the same. It's also been about finding strength in the community around me. There is great comfort to be found when you know you're not alone. We all struggle, but we choose a lot of the time to do it alone, out of sight and that rarely makes things easier. I know that I find comfort in honesty, imperfections, and vulnerability.

One of the things that I found so comforting and refreshing about joining a challenge group was that people SHARED their struggles, were honest about their slip ups and were there to cheer people on through both the ups and the downs. We so rarely see the bloopers reels in real life, instead all we see is those perfect shots, the wins and we miss out on seeing just how many swings and misses it took to get that one perfect shot.

One of the things I'm loving most about being a coach is that it has pushed me to be honest with myself, with my challengers and with the larger world about both the good and the bad. This process has allowed me to admit my shortcomings and struggles as a way to both let myself off the hook and to help other people realize they can too.

We all have both yet we choose most often to only share one of those. We're choosing to share one side because it's comforting, it feels safe, it allows us the power to reveal only that which we feel comfortable revealing. Well, what I'd challenge you to think about is whether that is helping or hurting you.

I know that for me, keeping up a good face hurt. Not seeing accurate and honest representations of other people's blooper reels when it came to their health, fitness, and even parenting, made it HARDER for me to let myself off the hook for being anything less than perfect on all accounts.

After two years of hard work on my own fitness and myself, I realize that I am a work in progress. We all are. And we need to learn to accept that that is ok. 

I am:
- a health and fitness coach who's recently let my nutrition slip
- an Insanity and weights lover (give me strong toned arms any day over skinny limbs!) and an uncoordinated mess who's really being challenged at the moment by Cize
- a food lover (ice cream and pizza are my kryptonite, especially in the summer when I don't feel like cooking as much and I'm home with my ice cream loving kids all day)
- a mom of 3 crazy active little people who also love their technology a little too much (we need to work on that)
- a teacher who really needs to start thinking about the upcoming school year but who's in denial
- someone who thinks she can do everything but often struggles to keep all the balls in the air
- that person who just can't say no
- chronically sleep deprived and yet I'm not as committed to doing something about that as I should be (see 2 bullets above for why!)
- a total perfectionist
- feeling stronger emotionally and physically every day and thankful for this whole Beachbody thing coming into my life
- just as flawed as anyone else

I appreciate honesty; I crave it and know that me being honest with myself and my finding ways to connect more authentically with people who are on a similar journey has helped me in countless ways. So while yes, I love to see people's highlight reels, what I love even more to see it after also seeing their bloopers. It's the 2 together that impress and inspire me.

Fitness and healthy living are not a race that you win or lose, it's a marathon. You can start and stop, sprint or jog and adjust your pace to fit your needs and life. My pace has been slower than I'd like lately but one month into summer and I realize that this race definitely isn't over; it's just beginning again for me and I'd imagine for a lot of us.

I love this quote. I often share this with my challengers
because it's so true. We NEED to celebrate our steps; no
the size of the stride, those steps all matter!

This work in progress is getting back up off of the ground and getting back in the game, again.

Baby steps my friends, they're all you can ask of yourself. Realistic, measurable goals is where it's at! These are my baby steps for this week:

• Meals are planned for the week and my goal is to eat 75% of what I said I'm going to according to plan (better than the 10% of the past few weeks!) 
• I'm working out every day and trying to get those workouts in before I drop the little 2 to camp this week. 
• I'm working on the sleep thing and after a binge watching stint last night, I'm pledging to get my tired butt in bed by 10:30pm at the latest for the rest of this week!

I control what I can control and I'm making the choice to keep going. I know there'll be more bumps in the road coming my way but I'm going to keep on picking myself back up and plodding along and sharing as I go.

Remember is a journey with no fixed destination other than to live a happier, healthier life. If you need help and want to join me, leave your info below and I'll get right back to you!

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